Eternal Blossom
Brick Walls are there for a reason- only to make you realize how badly you want something…
-Prof. Randy Pausch
What we went through in past few months -the hide and seek of happiness, sorrow, anxiety, tension, hope, tears, impatience, helplessness, volcanoes of mixed emotions…are dwelling in my heart, waiting to be expressed and shared…
Ayana…
That’s what we named our little angel. “Ayana” means an ‘Eternal Blossom’ (African meaning) (A beautiful blossom which lasts forever). It also means a ‘beautiful flower’ (Ethiopian) / ‘god’s gift’ (Islam) and a ‘direction’ (goal/path) in Sanskrit. All the meanings of this name became relevant to the situation as we, as a family, went through during Ayana’s birth.
Before the bloom…
As Eshan turned two year old, we decided that we were ready to go from a triangular family to a square one. We were overjoyed the day we found out that I was pregnant. I still remember the expression on Manoj’s face when, after taking the pregnancy test, I surprised him with chocolates and a card saying “Our nest will soon be holding another little one’!!!
As this was my 2nd pregnancy, I thought I had enough experience under my belt from Eshan’s time and this time it’s going to be a ‘Piece of Cake’. I am going to be a stronger mom, not going to worry unnecessarily and going to enjoy this pregnancy to the fullest. We sent out cards to our parents with the ‘ultrasound’ pictures to announce the pregnancy. I wrote a lengthy email to friends telling them all about my ‘dream pregnancy’ and how happy we were…And to top it all, like a cherry on the cake, we found out that it’s going to be a Girl this time!!! I felt like all my dreams are coming true ...one by one….I was going to have one of each…a boy and now a girl…a ‘picture perfect’ family. I thought…God is really happy on me and bestowing on me all the blessings and making my every wish come true…
After the first 5 months, things started changing…my ‘dream pregnancy’ was turning into any mother’s nightmare. The perfectly smooth road so far, was turning into a path full of boulders and ditches.
My blood test results showed some abnormality and I was referred to a specialist by my OB-GYN. I did not realize this was only the tip of the iceberg…the beginning to all the tensions and worrying. During the ultrasound the Specialist ruled out any ‘abnormality’ and said everything seems fine! Our baby seems to be developing normally at that point. Again came the days of smiling and enjoying with my little Eshan and soon to be born Ayana. Manoj and I started getting ready for the new addition to the family and Eshan was super duper excited to be a ‘big brother’.
But like every ‘day’ is followed by a ‘night’, the happiness was short lived, the next series of ultrasounds showed that the baby was small for the ‘Gestational age’. This was followed by ‘n’ number of tests, blood work, anxious periods of waiting for test results and bursting tears. Like most doctors here, the doctor mentioned all the ‘possibilities’….down syndrome (Trisomy 21) and other chromosomal abnormalities such as Trisomy 18 or Trisomy 13…etc, etc. Each scarier than the other. Manoj and I felt like the ground was slipping from beneath our feet and we were about to fall into a deep deep trench. Then there were feelings of denial…no this won’t happen to us…our baby…how can it be?? Many sleepless nights, waking up in the nights with ‘bad’ dreams. Then came consoling each other and trying to stay positive. We kept telling each other, all this is only going to make us stronger as family and as a person. This would be our chance to ‘do’ something and care for a ‘special’ child….Then there was a grueling period of waiting for the ‘amniocentesis’ (test to check genetic abnormalities) test results…full 2 weeks….the longest 2 weeks ever….
The doctor had also expressed the possibility of pre-term delivery and in anticipation had given me the ‘steroid shots’ necessary to mature the baby’s lungs if she is born early.
Finally the diagnosis was made- for unknown reason, the placenta was insufficient to provide the baby with enough nutrients and the baby was not growing inside the uterus (Intra Uterine Growth Restriction).But the good part was -the Amnio results came in and….our baby had no chromosomal abnormalities. She was fine…just very small…because she was not getting enough nutrients for growth.
The doctor recommended ‘delivery’ the very next day ….at a hospital about an hour away from our home town…where there was a well equipped Neonatal Intensive Care Unit for such small babies. I was only 32 weeks pregnant then (in the 8th month). A typical pregnancy lasts about 40 weeks. That means the baby was going to be born 8 weeks premature. We had no idea what to expect when such a small baby is born, How tiny will she be? Will she cry at birth? What will she look like? Will she breathe on her own? How many days will she have to stay at the hospital….questions upon questions…. just kept pouring. We were totally overwhelmed and experienced array of contrasting emotions….happiness that we will meet our baby soon…and sorrow that things did not go ‘perfectly’….my pregnancy had ended so abruptly, we did not get to celebrate the ‘full size’ tummy of the 9th month…why did this happen to us? Why was God so hard on us?
The Day our flower blossomed…
Manoj’s parents had just arrived a week ago to celebrate Eshan’s 3rd birthday and to spend the summer with us. I couldn’t imagine going through all this without their help and support. On the day of the delivery, I was so nervous and could hardly look at anything thing positively. Manoj kept telling me- I wasn’t supposed to meet my baby until after 2 months, but see…. now I will get to see her…..meet her sooner…I will get to watch her grow in the incubator instead of my womb….isn’t that wonderful!!
I know what must be going through his mind then…it’s difficult to offer support to anyone when you yourself and on the verge of emotional breakdown. But he had to be strong…he had to be strong for me…for ‘our nest’ and our little ones…
We drove to the hospital on the evening of the delivery. My friend Padma came along to offer me the much needed support and strength. I was taken to the operation theater for the C-section at 8 pm. We were told that the baby might not come out crying, as she will be very small. “Ayana’ was born at 8.22pm and came out all feisty and crying. Manoj and I were holding hands tightly...tears rolled down our cheeks as we heard that cry. That cry indicated that she was in a much better condition than expected. The nurses cleaned up the baby, swaddled her in a warm blanket and then …..I saw her….tiny hands, feet as tiny as a doll’s, her head as big as an apple…she was the smallest baby I had ever seen in my life. She weighed just 2 pounds and 2.6 ounces(980 gms) at birth. She looked just like how Eshan looked when he was born…just very much tinier. She was promptly taken to the Neonatal Intensive care unit (NICU). Later Manoj and Padma visited her at the NICU. They told me that she was so active and wriggling around that the doctor had to tape her hands and legs down to do all the checking and testing on her. I spend an hour or so in the recovery room and then was taken to the NICU to see my little girl.
She looked peaceful in the Isolette (incubator)…her eyes closed, dozens of wires attached to her monitoring her heart rate, oxygen saturation, her respiration rate. IV’s going through her tiny arm. Because her lungs were functioning pretty well, she did not need any ventilator to support her, but just some oxygen to ease her breathing. Her skin was shiny and fragile with a head full of soft black hair. Her eyebrows and eyelashes were very thin…yet to be developed. Her tiny hands and feet lying still on her bed. That was our baby….we were not supposed to see her like this….all dangled up in wires…with sounds of constant beeping monitors…unable to hold her…touch her…all I could do that time was cry cry and cry….I pray to God….No mom…should ever… ever have to see her baby like this…never…
That night just went by….for me with the help induced sleep of pain medication, for Manoj in the chair with body and mind both exhausted and Padma curled up in the sofa nearby.
Next morning came….but with more ‘bad’ news. The nurse came telling that, the baby had bleeding in her head and they needed to get her an X-ray ASAP. They needed our permission. Manoj and I looked at each other….no words….just tears. We thought this is it….this is it…did not know what it was bringing to us. We waited impatiently for the X ray scan. Every minute felt like a decade. Finally the results came in…she was OK….our baby was fine. What the nurse who came in with the news that morning had failed to mention that, all premature babies bleed a little bit in their brain, but if it isn’t much, it’s not going to hurt them. This we came to know later that afternoon when my doctor visited me and cleared some ‘facts’…
Manoj’s parents came to the hospital along with one of our friends. They offered all the support and kind words to ease our pain. Eshan came along…but because he is just 3 year old, he wasn’t allowed to see the baby in the NICU. He saw his mom and dad staying away from him..for the first time…His little eyes sensed the pain we were going through and kept asking…”Mumma la kai zhalay” (Is Mumma not well?)
Days to follow were all filled with worries, tension, tears, more tests, poking her little hands and feet with needles, blood transfusions, platelet transfusions etc. It was almost like a Roller Coaster ride with lots of Ups and Downs. One day she was fine…made some progress...the next day there was some setback.
They started feeding her little breast milk, only to find out that her intestines were not mature enough to digest milk yet and she might have developed a condition called NEC (Necrotizing enterocolitis)…infection in the intestines. One of the major concerns in premature babies. Her feedings were stopped and Intra venous antibiotic treatment followed for a week or so. Meantime, we had forgotten ...how to smile…how to be happy. We would visit her at the NICU each day, talk to the doctors and nurses, sit beside her bed and think about what was happening and what will happen in days to come. We asked the doctors all sorts of questions but feared to ask the most feared one….her ‘chances’ of survival….we were scared..what if the doctors told us….what we did not want to hear…They told us we will take it day by day or even hour by hour…see how she is doing…how she responds to the treatment. What was going through our minds at that point….was unthinkable, have no words to describe that helpless state of mind, the urge to scream till GOD hears us, the feeling of utter exhaustion of mind and brain, the uncontrollable tears…
“Ayana” gets her name
On the day of my discharge from the hospital, we finally made up our minds. To name her. We found ourselves postponing her ‘naming’…may be it was fear, fear of losing her. Later I read in a book, many parents who go through this situation…fear the same and postpone naming their babies.
We had short listed some names for our little baby girl during the pregnancy. But the name ‘Ayana’ was chosen because it meant ‘Eternal’…it meant Eternal Blossom…she will never fade…never go away...keep blossoming forever…our ‘Beautiful flower’ will always live. She came into this world fighting, fighting for her life…she truly is a ‘God’s gift’ to us. Her being there, has made Manoj and me a stronger person, us a stronger family. She has made us realize that ‘Hope’ is what helps you keep going. She has shown us that if you have ‘Faith’….the whole world will co operate ...to make a positive outcome. So don’t give up hope…keep hoping for the best. And in the end everything will be--- For the best…
The Day Eshan meets Ayana …for the first time!
Eshan being just 3 years old had mixed feeling towards the arrival of the new baby. Initially he would say ...”No baby”…I don’t like Babies’. Then came a period when he accepted that there is going to be a new baby. But then he asked us “ Who will be baby’s mumma and daddy”…Where will she live???Where will she sleep?? It was fun to watch him go through these stages and watch him ’grow’ as a big brother. We had brought him a book, a story telling about a boy who is going to be a big brother soon, how he likes the new baby, play with her etc. That book made things much clearer for him.
But because Ayana was in the NICU, we could not take him along, to see her. We feared what he will ‘think’ of the baby, when he sees her with all the wires and tubes attached to her. We feared of the questions he will ask.
After about a month, when ‘Ayana’ was relatively free of some tubes and IV’s, we took Eshan for the first time to meet her. He smiled when he looked at her. He must be wondering….how small she is. He asked Manoj whether he can touch her. He touched her head and hands gently...smiled again…He liked her! He asked when he can visit her again?? Manoj and I cherished this moment…our little ones finally meet each other….our family is finally close to ‘complete’ and ‘perfect’….
All is Well
It’s been about 47 days….since Ayana is at the NICU. She has made her way through so many difficulties and fought for her life. She is getting better...making progress in her tiny leaps and strides…She is out of the incubator now and in a small open crib. There are no words to express the satisfaction we get, when we see her making progress and doing well. Our heart melts, when she opens her eyes to look at us when we are feeding her, when she holds our finger in her tiny hands, when she smiles in her sleep…….We enjoy every bit of her…her yawns, her cries, her wriggles…Manoj also enjoys changing her diapers very much (The nurses say that ‘Ayana’ has her dad wrapped around her little finger…she is totally going to be Daddy’s girl!)
All izz well…
The Day we bring our little flower home…
After 48 long days, sleepless nights, long drives everyday to the hospital…from 2 lbs 2.6 oz (980 gms) to 4lbs (1800 gms)…has been a long long journey. The doctors had said, she can go home as soon as she is 4 lbs in weight. Our nights sleep and ours days ‘smile’ would all be dependent on how Ayana was doing each day.
We had started the preparations for her homecoming…the crib was all set up, new ‘premie’ size clothes, diapers, wipes, new car seat ...everything was in place…waiting for Ayana…
Finally…on July 28th, 2010…she was discharged from the hospital. Manoj’s parents and Eshan had decorated the house to welcome Ayana. It felt like a festival at our home…sweets were made, decorations put up, rangoli was drawn, decorative lights put up!!! Sure it was a very special day for us….the day we longed for all this while!!!
Thanks All
We are more than grateful and thankful to the medical team...Dr.Dolkart, Dr. El Hennawy, Dr. Gupta, Dr Gulata, Dr Cruz and Torrado….the nursing staff...Kathy , Fawn, Tracy Mol, Kris, Mary Helen, Judy, Jenny, Cindy and all the other nurses who were like second ‘mom’ while caring for Ayana and being our ‘family’ at the NICU. You all will always remain in our hearts for all what you have done for Ayana and our family.
We can’t thank enough…all the blood donors, whose generous donation has saved our little baby’s life. You deserve a special place in our life.
The volunteers at NICU, who made lovely sweaters, hats for Ayana. Thanks for the lovely gifts. We love dressing up Ayana in those outfits!
The strength we gathered to go through the situation came from Manoj’s Aai- Baba who helped us through this whole time, My Mummy and Dipoo who kept telling us…nothing will happen…be strong…be strong for the baby and Eshan.
Our friends Vidya-Souresh, Padma-Vaithi and their parents who offered us immense help and support (and delicious food for my cravings in the pregnancy!) all through the pregnancy and even after Ayana was born. Without them, we would have felt ‘alone’ …and broken down easily.
Thanks to all other friends who offered us support and kind words over the phone and emails. Each word helped us swim through the hard times, better.
